Letter #15

Dear @TheFray,

I've figured it out. I know why I love "I Can Barely Say" so much. For too many years of my life, I was such a people pleaser. I tried too hard to make others love me without giving too much thought about myself. I let that ruin a lot of myself. I gave only "good" parts of myself--the parts that pleased whoever I was around, never saying anything that could ever potentially offend a friend or family member. I got tired of that after a good round of a bad relationships, where I got some definite and tough experiences. "I Can Barely Say" just embodies my life story. Sometimes we have to give up the good intentions.

Whenever I connect to a song, I always wish that others could literally feel what I feel when I hear it, because my heart seizes, and tears overtake my vision, and I can't explain why I love so many songs at once. No one seems to realize what music does to my entire being, body and soul. The words or feelings or thoughts that get lost in my mind, because I've been to afraid to say or express what I need to, had been gone for so long that when they come back, they become ten times stronger, and I can't contain it. I lose control. I get lost in the melody. I'm overcome, and I can't hold it back any more.

I'm sitting here listening to "Be Still" and I cannot contain myself, right here bawling as I write these letters to you. I know they're not pointless because they mean something to me, even if they don't to anyone else.

I have scars and I have stories. I am doing all I can to be more than just existing. I want to do more than just survive or get by. I have scars because of my life battles, and I have stories about my battle scars. I know we all do. We are all human. We have feelings, we hurt, we gain heartache that no one but God and Jesus Christ understand fully but we also go on, leaving the heartaches and pains and losses behind.

I have two scars on my stomach from a laparoscopy. You see, I have endometriosis, a painful condition that if not treated just worsens over time, making it impossible to live pain-free. For months I had this chronic stabbing pain and had been hospitalized twice just because of it. I had gone to several doctors, who all couldn't tell me what the problem was. Finally I went to a nurse practitioner, and she took one look at me and my charts and said "you have endometriosis. Let's get you into surgery as soon as possible." Within two weeks, I had the surgery scheduled. This is just one of many scars+stories I have.

The best thing about scars is that although they don't go away, they are still healed. They are imperfect, but that's just more of a reminder of where we came from. Scars are there to remind us where we are headed.

Thank you for S+S, it means more to me than you will ever be able to comprehend (seeing as I cannot even comprehend how much it matters).

xoxo,
Erin

Letter #14

Dear @TheFray,

I will always be on the sidelines of your marathon.

Thank you for the wonderful gift you've given all of us. Music is the window to the soul.

xoxo,
Erin

Vlog: Mash-Up

Dear @TheFray,

Today I am sharing with you. This makes me so nervous, and I am praying no one judges me…but I love mash-ups, and I made this one up on the spot….
So here it is, "Save Me" by @NICKIMINAJ and "You Found Me" by @TheFray

xoxo, Erin